The post-wedding To-Do list

crap. There are things I STILL have to do after my wedding? After spending almost a year on planning a wedding, somehow you’d think that there’d be a moment of rest afterwards. Well here’s the answer: Yes, you can have rest! After you address the following things:

Here in this blog post, I’m going to do the stereotypical thing and list a bunch of stuff and explain why you gotta do it. But I’m also going to provide the lazy alternative. Granted, these alternatives may not jibe with your family’s expectations, but it’s worth considering.

If you are in the stages of pre-wedding planning, it might be important to take note of the things here to preemptively plan to do the lazy version to avoid future decision fatigue, headaches and items on the to-do list.

1- Thank you cards

This is a highly debated topic with regard to the etiquette of thank you cards. There are pins telling how you ‘should’ word them and how long after the wedding you need to send them. Some suggest you send a photo from the event along with it. yadayadayada…

For me, sending thank you cards was high on the to-do list because it was an external sign of how ‘on top of it’ we are as a new couple. By sending thank you cards within 2 months of the wedding and before the holidays, I wanted to send a message, ‘I’m a well-put together human being”.

The lazy method: for those that really would like to minimize the work, create a template on something like mail merger and then print them. If your family and friends aren’t picky about getting a handwritten note (most aren’t), then you can really save your hand some pain and time.

2- The registry

There are so many things to deal with the registry. Firstly, you probably want some of the items on the registry that noone actually purchased. And registries often have ending discounts where you can get 10-20% off of purchases on the registry after your wedding date. So order those things.

Second, if you have a good registry like Zola, you can hold shipment, exchange and return items without your guests knowing. So I’ve ended up in over $350 in gift credit that I plan to use at some point on any furniture, gadget or experiences. I gotta keep mindful of this money since I’d hate to not use it. Overall, returning and exchanging things on the registry took up in total the most time in my pre-wedding planning stage. This can actually be a real timesuck despite it sounding so awesome.

The lazy method: have a funds-only registry. Or no registry altogether. Cash is king.

3- The dress

My wedding day was rainy. My dress got plenty dirty with sweat, food, drink and mud. Also at some point the bustle and hem tore during dancing. Cleaning and repairing can get quite costly. Taking my dress to Davis Imperial Cleaners, they quoted me for around $500 to clean and repair and around $700 to also do a museum-quality preservation. Heck no! My dress only costed me $475. I’ll have to go down to the local Korean ajoomah cleaners to sort this out.

Why does this matter? Because my husband has this lofty idea of, “one day our fictitious ‘daughter’ might want to wear your dress.” Oh dear, sounds just like my dad. Well, ya know, that takes storage space for decades and there’s no guarantee that a ‘daughter’ would even like my dress (I didn’t like my mom’s). If it were up to just me, I’d donate the dress and have them deal with all the repairs and cleaning. But nowadays I don’t make decisions on my own anymore.

The lazy way: trash the dress. No, not one of those photoshoot things that cost more time and money. Just like, hand it off to your local donation center and write it off on your taxes.

4- Decorations

There are the immediate to-do list items like returning rentals tossing one-use items. Don’t forget to do or delegate these things to avoid late fees and the feeling that your coordinator will get at the end of the evening, “What am I supposed to do with this stuff?” I’ve seen this happen before and it is stressful.

What did I do? I waited about 2 months before finally asking for the leftover decorations back from my helpful friend and then let the box sit in the trunk of our car for another 3 months. In my mind, I wanted to pass them down or sell them to someone else so they could get used again. But in reality they sat until my in-laws announced their visit from out of town. I very quickly dropped the box off at Goodwill to have space in our car for their stuff.

The lazy and better way: Plan ahead of time just to donate the stuff. And then do it, swiftly.

5- Money matters

Starting that joint bank account and investment accounts. Making and refining the budget. Getting each other as authorized signers on the credit cards and making sure we have transparency on our spending. Do it sooner rather than later because I’m sure you’d like to figure out what you’re going to do with all of your cash gifts. This is not done in one evening, since it should be tailored to your own individual needs.

For example, we save just as much as we spend. We also have a very specific goal of saving to buy a house once I get a job. So we’ve spent plenty of discussions on the best location for our saved money (one that keeps it safe, liquid and conservatively growing) and the strategy of how to put away over the course of 2 years (not all at once to increase market diversity).

Also, we want to travel internationally before we have children (see also #8-The Honeymoon), which requires money. So paying close attention to a budget is important to have greater awareness of our cash flow and be able to be disciplined by it in our lifestyle. I use Tiller, which links accounts and gives spreadsheets which are fully customize-able. Their blog also holds a lot of cool spreadsheet tips (most which don’t require knowing how to code Excel).

The lazy way (but more expensive): I’d really recommend folks to not ignore money matters. Reading up and educating yourself will take more time. Or you can hire a financial adviser to set things up for you. Technically this is more expensive (you pay your new friend in fees), but it’s so much easier.

6- Life insurance

This saves you money in the long run. Husband’s company provides some life insurance, but really we should both have while we’re healthy and childless. Still on the to-do list.

There is no lazy way on this, unless you never intend to have life insurance while on this earth.

7- Writing a will

Our prenup states that without a will, all of our assets get turned over to the surviving spouse in case of death. At this point in our lives, that is mostly made up of separate assets that we have prior to marriage. Ultimately, we’re okay with that (cuz duh it’s in our prenup), but it would be most wise to consider where else we’d like our separate assets to go in case of death (like my brother or favorite non-profit).

The lazy way: don’t have a will and live with the fact that all your stuff will go to your new husband when you die.

8- The honeymoon

We did not take a full honeymoon after our wedding in November. We were kinda out of vacation days and wanted to save what we had left for visiting family for the holidays. So we did a short trip to Vegas and then planned to have a longer trip this coming summer.

I liked that I didn’t have to plan a huge international trip while wedding planning. But that means that I have to do it now. aiya… It’s been difficult because I don’t want to go woman-crazy and plan the entire thing on my own (which I can effectively do in like 2 days). Instead, I want this to be an opportunity to collaborate and get husband’s input. It’s just slower…

The lazy way: Buy a trip that’s planned for you. You can find some that are not that expensive and take away a huge headache. But beware! In order to do something like that, you gotta let go of your personal ideal for vacations and accept whatever you’re given. —don’t like the restaurant they planned for your romantic dinner? Suck it up or plan it yourself.

9- Name change

Get the marriage certificates, change social security card, drivers license, passport, bank accounts, school registration, credit cards, TSA precheck (they’re the worst… requiring everything by fax), rewards programs (frequent flyer, anything that matches my credit card name), email address, business cards, social media…. and the list keeps going.

The hardest thing is to change it in my own psyche. I still answer the phone with my maiden name and don’t always respond to being called by my married name. Only time can make it better.

The second hardest thing is the personal grief that I got from other professors. At my last committee meeting, they told me to keep my name. Excuse me? That totally crossed my personal boundary.  But what did I tell them? “okay” … just to get them off my back

The lazy way: Keep your name. Companies like Hitchswitch don’t even do all the little name changes (like your online profiles and rewards programs), which to me were the most annoying. I don’t recommend them.

10- Photos

Getting all the prints and things is super satisfying. I was pushed along in my timeline because I wanted to get these beautiful album books out to my parents in time for Christmas (6 weeks after our wedding). Thankfully, our photographer was a fantastic designer and has great printing connections. The end product was beautiful!!

Gold gilded edges on these books and a custom cover photo. Yes, it was over $300, but totally worth it since it included the design.

Canvas print! and our first christmas tree 😀

Hopefully your photographer keeps their online order portal open for you for as long as you need. Or maybe you’ve already downloaded all the photos and want to get them printed on your own. I recommend having the photographer order the prints because they’ll be able to edit them based upon the printer. Places like Costco and Shutterfly don’t do that so I’ve seen prints from there at low quality or too dark.

Lazy way: Don’t get prints and just set it as a digital background image to keep reliving your memories.

Bottom line

The to-do list never ends. Even when I’m done tackling all of these tasks, there will definitely be more to be done in life. I’m trying to publish and graduate, after all.

My tips: learn for yourself the best ways to install habits for when you need to get something done. How? Trial and error and a lot of guidance and self-compassion. If you struggle with these things, it’s super normal, and I can actually help you. Set up a meeting time with me here.

It’s not a cliche-My wedding was the happiest day of my life (so far)!

Growing up, I never wanted a grandiose wedding. I didn’t need the giant show of wealth or elaborate things or beautiful insta-worthy photos. I always dreamed of the church wedding (because it held some notion of tradition, not because I was religious when I was young). Besides that, though, there were not too many things that I needed to have.

So when I say that my wedding was the happiest day of my life, I do not mean that I was happiest because of external things: how I looked, how perfectly the schedule ran, or that I was supernaturally overflowed with bliss the moment we said our vows. Those are all good things… I mean, I did look good, my friends helped me release the burden of scheduling, and our vows are something to remember for a lifetime…

But the problem is that my true happiness cannot be wrapped up in those things. It just doesn’t actually work like that. Those are external ideals that many have in their own minds. We are conditioned by society to be overly concerned about how we look or how others will view our wedding. Western weddings are also typically known to suffer from bridezilla syndrome, where brides lose their minds over details and controlling others. And unfortunately, it’s common to idealize the moment of union with a spouse–as if professing our love and devotion is some magical spell that will forever bind your hearts, souls and minds.

Of course, as we  learn from experience, these things are just ideals and not true. Happiness is not based off of the external image, how things will go perfectly or ideals of love fulfilled.

And so what do I mean by happiest day of my life? I mean that this day was a giant party of 200+ people coming together from our entire lives into a singular place to celebrate a monumental event. No place else in time or space will this happen again. It truly was special.

Think about it and recount with me all the special people who were there: Our families who flew over from the other side of the country or the other side of the globe (we have no local family in Chicago); Our entire church community including members new and old; Our current coworkers and friends; Long time family friends, some of whom took us in when we were little; and College buddies who were part of dance/singing communities where we felt most at home during that time in our lives.

I knew this was the happiest day when I noticed myself professing aloud, “I love you” to almost every guest I got to talk to the day-of. This is not normal of me. My love language is quality time and words of affirmation rank in the middle for me. But when I noticed that my guests were solely interested in knowing how I was doing and ensuring that I was having a good time, saying those words were so natural.

and yes, It’s not so surprising to me that it was the presence of all the people that contributed the most to my happiness. That’s because it’s integrally linked to the calling of my life. In this life, I am called to be with people and walk alongside them so that they can authentically celebrate their own progress in life, the God who made it all, and the shared vision that is to come.

Like a bride waiting for her groom

… we’ll be a church ready for you. Every heart waiting for our king, we’ll be ready for you.

Heard this song on the radio the other day. Here’s how the conversation of my thoughts went:

“Am I ready for Jesus?”

“I guess so. If he comes now, then I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Ok that sounds good. Well, what does this have to do with being a bride waiting for her groom? What was my experience of being a bride waiting for her groom?”

“haha that’s a funny thought. Especially considering the 3 times I found myself waiting as a bride on her wedding day for her groom. Let me explain…”

1. The beginning of our wedding day timeline started with Chinese door games. During these festivities, the bridesmaids prepare some tasks for the groom and his groomsmen to complete before they can gain access to the bride. I was kept waiting in the bedroom at our suite while I could hear the guys going through the tasks. I knew exactly what was going to happen and when, and so when I heard groans, grunts and lovely serenades, I felt reassured that the activities were going as planned. Interestingly, my parents were waiting with me, but they had absolutely no clue what was going on. Actually, they were so occupied with taking photos that I’m sure they didn’t even hear the noises going on in the other room.

So how would I describe this form of waiting as analogy of how we wait for Jesus? Probably like how we have assurance that the world is going as planned even though it might sound like chaos to others. Among all of the political mess, wars, hurricanes and earthquakes happening in the world, I know this is all a part of the birthing pains of His return. I am not worried; I just say even more fervently, “Come, Lord Jesus.”

2. We made the decision to transport ourselves to the church for our wedding. No limousines or fancy trolleys. This meant my groom and his best man had to go fetch the car from the garage and then drive it back to the hotel to pick me up. No way was I walking to the garage in the rain in my full bride attire. I waited in the lobby for what felt like 20-30 minutes. While waiting I began to think things like, “Did they get lost?” “Did they forget me?” “Based on my calculations, can we still get to the church in time?” Of course no matter what the actual situation, I knew he would come. Even if they forgot me, they would come back. Even in the worst situation, I knew everybody would wait for us at the church. And yes, we would still get married.

This form of waiting was still and confident. I stayed put. I didn’t even sit down. I knew with such certainty that my groom would come despite all of my internal questioning and external concerns from the doorman and my in-laws. They even tried to reassure me, “If he doesn’t come, we’ll bring you. We’ll never leave you.” What a nice sentiment, but no thanks. I know he’s got me.

I find this situation very similar to how the church waits for Christ. We stand our ground. Others might offer a ride thinking they can deliver you safer or quicker. Instead, we opt to wait longer and more painfully with doubting thoughts because we know that the Lord’s word stands forever.

Also, even though I was the one who determined the timeline, sent the invitations to start at 3pm, the reality would be that the event would only start when bride and groom are there. There’s no real timeline–and same with the second coming.

3. For the third time, we were all at the church, everybody’s hanging out, and we’re about ready to start. While lining up the bridal party, someone asks, “Where’s the groom?” My brother exclaims, “He’s got cold feet!” haha not really. He was on the porcelain throne, needing to empty himself one last time as a single man (really, this is how he himself puts it). When people found out that my groom was held up in the bathroom, there was a mild panic. Some were exasperated, “He had to choose to go now!?” Some were grossed out. Some were really confused. But I was fairly calm since I knew my groom–that this is a normal thing for him.

So what’s the parallel here? I suppose people long for Jesus’ return in many different ways. Some people pray and cry out to the Lord daily, some spend all their efforts in fulfilling the great commission, and some others sell all their possessions to give to the poor. There is no method that is “better” than the other. If I’m used to waiting for my groom in a particular way that gives me greater peace, joy, fear and faith in the Lord, then who should judge.

The cool thing is that we still got married that day 😀 I still walked down the aisle toward my groom, who was happily waiting for me at the altar. We are now one until the day one of us passes. Today, I don’t really know if I understand what it means to be one with someone–I’m sure I’ll learn that with time. I look forward to it since it’ll teach me how to be one with God.

Why creating a prenup is sexy

Bottom line: crafting a prenuptial agreement has reinforced our common marital values in a healthy way. In the same way that confessing marital vows and getting intimate on the wedding night is sexy, this process has been even sexier.

Disclaimer: creating a prenuptial agreement is oftentimes used to delineate assets and debts as separate or joint property. This is especially important for those that have a large uneven distribution of these things between the two parties. Many are scared to craft a prenup and typically avoid it, thinking that they will never use it (because their current love and commitment is so strong that they don’t ever imagine and end to the marriage). The process takes several weeks, is expensive (ours took 1/3 of our wedding budget), and involves tough conversations that most couples are not used to. In that way, prenup crafting is aften called unsexy. The goal of my post here is to offer up my experience in hopes that it’ll encourage single and engaged people to consider being brave and address this area of their relationships.

My thoughts…

Yes, I am values junky. I get a high off of them. I feel aligned and connected to God’s calling when I live by my values. What are our values for our marriage? We’d like them to be the same for the rest of our lives. Our lives might involve death, divorce, incurring debts (like a mortgage), and a lot of other stressful things. Our hope is that we could live by the same values in those cases.

So when we first were thinking of drafting a prenup, we did an online search to figure out what sort of things we wanted to address. It seemed that among all the possible reasons to get a prenup (like owning a company prior to marriage, having kids from a previous marriage, significant debt incurred by one party), our reasons were mundane or not as severe. We simply sought to declare and delineate our assets in order to keep what is separate separate and figure out how we’d like to deal with shared property in case of emergency. So we first attempted to draft a document together using Rocket Lawyer online. That process seemed to be fine by us (we could pay $20 to get the document and then pay $2 for the notary when signing), but in reality, it would not accomplish the main goal: to protect us if things got nasty. Let me explain…

If things got nasty in our marriage, we might file for divorce. In the extremely unlikely case that the divorce settlement could not be agreed upon among ourselves, we could take things to court. If we take things to court, then they would use the Illinois state law at the time of divorce (which we don’t really know what will say in the future) even if we plan to move in a different state in the future. Now if we had a $20 document off an online template, then it’s likely a judge will not take it serious and can throw out the entire prenup.

Philosophical side note: Why think of protecting yourselves in case of divorce if you never plan to divorce? Because all that we have is today. We do not hold the future in our hands. Yes, I believe God would not want us to separate what has been cleaved together, but I relinquish my certainty and stubbornness in exchange for trusting in Him and doing what is wise. More theological musings: By doing the prenup, aren’t you planting the seed for divorce? Welp, I think of this like protecting yourself from disease. Clearly in heaven there will be no divorce nor sickness. But in this life, there is. I cannot predict if I’ll have cancer, a disability or whatever in my future. And so, why not get the checkup, do the investigative work and set your intention when you’re healthy rather when you’re emotionally compromised and sick?

We looked up the current Illinois state laws on divorce and separation and got scared. We did not like terms that put benchmarks on marriage. For example, there were terms that would increase the duration and amount of alimony depending on the differences of our incomes and how long we were married. So that means hypothetically that the difference between staying together for a few more days past our anniversary might have lasting a effect of thousands of dollars over years. We then sought to eliminate such incentives from our marriage. Making a claim to strip alimony and support from each other (not including child support if we have children) feels analogous to stripping in the bedroom. It’s cold, a little awkward, and not what people typically see in your relationship… but you know that it’s for the right reasons.

so here were the reasons why we hired lawyers to do this for us:

• they have experience in using prenups in divorce cases and know what complies well with current law and precedent. They also know what makes a prenup more enforceable.
• To have an expert explain things to me (cuz i don’t know anything about law) and be my advocate in translating what I want into the proper vocabulary.
• As far as we know, it’s the only way to do it besides the cheap online template.

The values that were displayed through this process…

Vulnerability in admitting how much I didn’t know about law. Constantly I had to ask my lawyer to explain words and phrases and give examples. I would spend hours with her on the phone (yes, racking up the cost), but I knew that the vulnerability was worth it because if there was any chance I’d have to present this to a judge, I’d want to be confident that I had full knowledge of what’s in the document. This appeals to our values of honesty and truth. Likewise in our marriage, we do not seek to hide our blemishes or pretend we know what we’re doing.

Relinquishing and surrender came in when constantly being asked for my opinion on things. At the bargaining table, I was asked to weigh in all the time, “is this okay with you?” Honestly, I was okay with most of the changes because we had already set the big picture items and were now nitpicking over the small details. Do I care if things are set at 12% or 15%? Nope, as long as it isn’t 30% like stated in current Illinois law. So after some time I just had to turn it over to my lawyer and say, “I trust you. I don’t really have a preference, you’ll have to choose what’s best.” Of course, fear that pops up about looking stupid towards my family or lawyers. But what is fear? Just an opportunity to be brave.

Another theme that comes up is the real reason we had to go through so many hoops: Safety and Protection. Many times during our negotiations, I wanted to hurry it since it was taking up our entire day in a single conference room. It would take us hours to address one section, trying to find the right words and terms that all could agree upon. I got annoyed, and what I found reassuring was the purpose: “We’re doing this as a CYA, cover your ass.” So even though I didn’t think we would need protection (neither of us have crazy riches or debts and we’re both healthy), you still need it as a rule. If you want to go the whole way, you need protection (this should be a rule for all).

Commitment and Faith. When I was going through this process, my coach asked me, “do these decisions come from a place of love or fear?… or both?” This is canonical question in her practice and by then I was very used to it. It took me a while, though, at first to consider the answer to this question because I wasn’t sure of the answer. In fact, I felt like the decision was coming from neither. Instead, it was coming from Faith, which is beyond love. We both trusted and knew that no matter what, God would have us in his hands. We crafted stipulations in the document that outlined how we would handle things in the unthinkable situations (like traumatic brain injury, pervasive mental illness…) with the intention to not rely on each other monetarily. It may seem as if this decision displayed a lack of commitment towards each other, but in fact, when we both can admit our inability to rely on each other we find that the faith goes in both directions towards each other instead of towards our storehouses and trying to steal from the other. My bedroom analogy goes as follows (hehe): There is no guarantee that you’ll get maximum pleasure and satisfaction in sex. This might seem unfulfilling and not worth the trouble. But when both partners acknowledge this non-guarantee, that’s when you’re actually connected to your partner. You fumble around in the darkness, sure that each both wants to attempt connection, and fully vocalize what works and doesn’t. It takes a lot of courage to be comfortable narrating what’s going on in our feelings every step of the way. I had to let go of worrying about how others do it and trust in the process. These are the exact same practices that we employed in crafting our premarital agreement.

end note: I hope you found these reflections insightful and interesting. In no way do I mean to offend or make claims on how others prepare for their marriage/relationships. Of course, I’m willing and excited to hear how others see their values displayed in relationships (whether they’re legal, sexual or none of the above). Let me know!

“Aren’t you excited about your wedding?”

Over the past 3 weeks, just about every person I met has asked me the question, “You’re getting married this month! That’s so exciting!!!! Aren’t you excited?”

And the answer, “Of course I’m excited, in fact, I’ve been excited for the last 10 months. I’m so happy that you’re excited for us.”

To me, this is the answer that is most true to me. To acknowledge what other people feel about this stage in my life, reemphasize my excitement… but also temper it with the knowledge that yes, I’ve BEEN excited for a long time. There really isn’t more new excitement that is being added.

And yea, for a long time I didn’t feel that much more excited than how I felt the day I got engaged. Planning the wedding step by step has continued to feed my level of excitement. Finally sending out those invitations a couple months ago made it feel real.

And today, it’s 8 days out. All the plans are set. Everybody’s been reminded of their duties like three times. Yea, no stress. BULLSEYE! and now I feel something kinda new…

What’s special about today? Not that much in terms of the facts. The main difference comes in how I feel. Now, I can finally envision the day in terms of having all the details deeply ingrained in my bones. I no longer have nightmares of what could go wrong. I have great peace.

Now that there’s peace, I’m experiencing a whole NEW level of excitement. The excitement is definitely more childlike. Like when a child is excited for the arrival of christmas or their birthday party, they’re not concerned with the the details of family coming, serving food or the activities planned. They just know that they’re going to see people that they haven’t seen in a long time and will have lots of fun. They’re only excited about the good stuff. It’s a pure feeling.

that’s what I’m feeling now. There’s nothing else to worry about. All plans are handed out to several people so there’s nothing else I’m holding onto. My only concern is my self-care. I want to relax, read, sleep, get my nails done and continue life as normal.

what a wonderful feeling! And Now, I feel like I’ve already gotten what I wanted in planning a wedding- No Stress.

Having No Stress was one of my top three values in this whole process. [my other values were budget-friendly and honoring to God] Some brides want the perfect dress, some want beautiful flowers, some want particular foods. For me, I wanted No Stress. and I got it!! YAY!!

Summary: I feel unburdened. I feel at peace, and I feel blessed to have gotten what I wanted out of the wedding.

So now what? Well, what do I want to get out of marriage? (because this whole thing is really about being married, not about a wedding)

Welp, that’ll be to come. Answer that question is really what excites me. I can’t wait to see where we’ll go together and how we’ll morph and change each other.

DIY-ing wedding decorations- mini headaches

So I’ve been spending my weeknights on putting final pieces together for my wedding in 15 days. (nope, no feelings of dread yet, thank God)

aaannnnd the apartment is a mess

Eh, maybe it’s not a mess. Perspective change… It’s a map of my accomplishments! This is what I do to preoccupy myself when my fiance is away on a business trip.

I glued the stupid fake fabric flowers onto the wire. Apparently, they weren’t made attached to the actual vine. Strange. Of course, I didn’t get all of them. So there are still random fabric flowers all over the apartment unattached to anything.

I glued the names onto the place cards. Super jank and the glue made the cardstock bleed a little. Not going to spend the time to fix it. Because I believe that place cards don’t really have to look pristine. People find their seats –> Functionality complete.

Plucked leaves from preserved rose stems. Super fragrant and kinda expensive. Put them in little cones and struggled with ideas on how to pass them out.

Actually organized all the stuff. I bought like 20 fake ivy garlands and forgot how we had arranged them at the church when we last visited for a trial run months ago.

Yay a TADA list!!! TAAAADDAAAAA!!!

Overall, I forgot how much I had forgotten about all the little details. Of course, it made me a bit anxious sitting at home by myself ruminating on, “I don’t know I don’t know” I needed my fiance to remind me of what we had decided when he got home in two days. Good on him to get photographic evidence and to calm me down.

still more things to do, but not making any more todo lists. They’re going to up my anxiety and I already have faith that it’s going to be fine. I’ll make more Tada lists!!!

Things I learned about myself through wedding planning

Overall, this year I have learned so much. Wedding planning in particular have been a particular catalyst for growth. Here are some of my reflections:

that i’m different

When people ask, “How’s wedding planning?”, I often respond with, “Great! We just finished ___ and are currently planning ___.” Somehow, this response surprises many. People expect me to be bridezilla and stressed out. People expect me to be behind the timeline. Why would I be behind on a timeline? Isn’t that why there is a timeline to begin with? What I’ve learned is that what comes easy to me doesn’t come easy to all. I am an Upholder afterall (which is about 3% of the population). More stories and examples below…

that i’m happy

Going along similar lines to what I described above, people assume that I’m stressed and don’t like wedding planning. Wedding planning and the season of engagement is seriously a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I hope to never be engaged again. These 11 months are a small window of time that I get to do something really special that all people close to me will remember me by for my entire life! In some ways, our families have been looking forward to this time ever since I joined the family. Should I take this time lightly? absolutely not! I’m going to enjoy myself. I am enjoying myself. No, I won’t be ‘happier’ when it’s over because I’m already happy now! [and I don’t really believe in being ‘happier’, since we are always as happy as we can be at any given moment.]

that i don’t need to change any of the above

Several times, I’ve felt the need to be more ‘normal’. When I try to adopt those views, I find myself being more on edge and I second-guess myself. what’s the use, then? For example, I decided early on that flowers were a waste of my time and money. (yes, ALL flowers) My rationale: I don’t EVER like flowers in my normal life, so why would I want them at my wedding? But then I had a nagging feeling that I was missing out on something, so I contacted some vendors on Thumbtack to ask for quotes for flowers. Oh dear me, I felt so out of my skin when I met these designers and while talking about flower choices. I could not pay attention to what the designers were saying to me. I’m a biologist, but I’m not that into plants, sorry. This attempt to follow tradition gave me a sinking feeling. And then the quoted price ($1500) was the final straw that helped us go back to our original plan of no flowers. Phew!

more profoundly:

my proactive nature is not something to be universally praised

Some may be surprised to know that being ‘proactive’ in wedding planning isn’t always the best. In fact, it often has gotten me into trouble. I started on projects too early (yes, it’s possible). The problem came when I got overly invested in my premature plans and then they all get smushed when I tell others. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened to  me often. In fact, it mainly gets my in trouble with my fiance, who is reactive in nature. Proactivity is not superior to reactivity. No matter what, the difference between myself and my fiance is a problem and requires me to jump off my high horse (and I believe that this horse is beautiful, efficient, and fast… btw) and to meet my spouse in the middle. Of course, the middle actually lies in me giving my 100% and he giving his. It’s never 50/50.

I still need help

I’m the only person planning the wedding. No matter how good that one person is, the ideas are still only coming from one person. So I need outside perspective. That’s why I have a coordinator, maid of honor, parents, and other supportive friends to bounce ideas off to make sure I haven’t gone insane. And they have given me good feedback. Often, they recommend that I delegate even MORE and communicate even EARLIER. I was doing just fine, but the help and encouragement keeps me on the path with momentum.

despite being an independent adult, I still get swayed by familial expectations

In the beginning, I thought I had made up my mind about what kind of wedding I wanted. Of course, my fiance and I settled on our core values first (budget-conscious, no stress, room for friends to dance at the party, focused on our faith and church). But beyond that, I took quite a liberal amount of creativity in envisioning the day. So we originally wanted a small intimate wedding of just our immediate family and church members. When I told my parents, though, they made it pretty clear that was not acceptable. I had cousins and aunts feel alienated and offended when they found out that they wouldn’t be invited. woops. I’m sorry. I had to change my mind. Overall, this taught me that as long as it doesn’t impinge on my core values, then I just need to let it go.

I like organization too much

sometimes I hide my bullet journal spreads from people who might become overwhelmed by the amount of organization I’ve been using… Also, I’m super proud of my seating chart 😀

the “overwhelming” wedding planning bullet journal spread

Seating chart complete with stickies for individuals and parties 😀 so proud of myself

but too much? can you like something too much? oh yea. Especially when it turns into an obsession of checking the wedding website every 10 minutes to see if anybody else responded last minute on the due date. Wow, I need to let that go.

my yes is yes and no is no

It’s so hard to make decisions. Once those decisions are made, though, it’s so much harder to go back on any of those decisions. There’s something that happens in the mind when you’ve already made a decision. There’s always doubt. I have found that the healthiest way to deal with this doubt is to just decide. Double-thinking is costly. I made the core value that “wedding planning will not be stressful”. So I commit to it. If doubt makes it stressful–woops out the window it goes.

This also comes into play with regard to the other things in my life beyond wedding planning. I already knew I was a better person on 8.5 hrs of sleep. I already knew that I had to meet with my book club buddies every week to stay sane and connected. I already experienced how much of God’s rest I could enter when I was with my church community every Friday and Sunday. I could not give those up. Planning a wedding is only one small aspect of my current life. I treat it with care. I will never have these 11 months back–it’s a special time between me and my fiancé. And so I have to be my best self. I will say no to anything that gets in the way of that. I will continue to say yes to everything I already valued. There was no other way for me.

General tidbits:

communicating early and often eases a lot of pain

Advice: even if you have a small idea that is non-traditional… Let the idea air as soon as possible. Let it air only as an idea. Not as the final decision. This protects from you changing your mind. Traditionally minded folk will super appreciate it. They’ll get over it (just like how other advice states), but better they get over it 10 months before the wedding instead of 1 month. I decided to have monthly emails to the entire wedding party of updates. Generally, people had to be reminded of what action items they had to do that month and repeating the schedule and plan was helpful for them too. It was also great for me to organize everything in one central place.

‘low maintenance’ is a bad label

No matter your values, you still want to stick to them. By sticking to your values, you have to exert a fair amount of effort to maintain them. So even if you think you’re low maintenance by not hiring a makeup artist and holding trials to get your perfect pinterest look, then you’re still going to exert the necessary effort to uphold that value… which is not low maintenance. Instead, how about we just say that we have values and we live and plan by them. I’m high maintenance with regard to my health and setting up a good home for me and my spouse. I should be because that’s how I function best to my fullest capacity, not about superficial things like my looks or the best photos to share on instagram. At the end of the day, I’m going to be glad with the amount of detail-oriented work that I had to put into a “high maintenance wedding” to know that no matter what, I stuck to my guns.

money induces fear, but it also can secure calm

Yes, we wanted our wedding to be budget-conscious… which is why it freaked us out when we got a lot of initial quotes from certain vendors. What freaked me out even more was unexpected items that crept into the budget. I had forgotten about certain items, but I wanted to make sure that I honored the people close to me on my wedding, so yep, we’re going to pay another $1000 for that service/gift. Once I made that decision, I felt a wave of calm, especially when I told others about the choice that I made. It was another public declaration that I was living towards my values. Money, like time, is a resource. And so we use it to make our wedding stress free.

It’s about the marriage, not the wedding

At the end of the day, if there’s any dispute about wedding planning, I lay it to rest. So does my fiance. We want to be married. We want to live our life married for the rest of our life.